My baby boy is here but seriously?? Is this really the next journey?

i said I wasn’t going to fall off the edge of the earth because I got pregnant but things just happened. After my last post my grandmother became very ill and passed away. I was heart broken because she would have been over the moon right now. She did get to see the very first ultrasound thankfully. She and I were VERY close and this was even more devastating while pregnant. But she is an angel now watching over me and her great grandson. I feel blessed that she is our guardian angel forever.

My pregnancy was not the sunshine and roses I had envisioned in addition to the death of my grandmother. When you are struggling with infertility you dream of the beautiful reality of pregnancy. Plus you want to beat a complaining pregnant woman over the head when you are desperately trying to get pregnant. I think it all goes back to survivors guilt. I never wanted to complain because I always said that if I was ever blessed with a pregnancy I would appreciate every moment and never complain no matter what happened. That’s easier said than done. I had many many people say something like “well you wanted this” when I had bad symptoms or was diagnosed with gestational hypertension. Really? Wanting a baby doesn’t mean you want hypertension or the inability to stop vomiting, it means you are willing to go through anything to see a miracle baby at the finish line. But I did feel guilty to complain even for one second because I remembered the dark days of infertility and I wanted to never forget what that felt like. Infertility changed me as a person, it was the hardest thing I have endured in my life. I feel forever bonded to those I met along the way, it’s a sisterhood you wish you didn’t have to join but one that you couldn’t live without. 

My baby boy is finally here and he’s perfect! He was perfect to me from the very first BFP pregnancy test. God gave me a miracle and for that I will be forever grateful and forever humbled. My only hope is that everyone who fought the infertility fight finally gets their miracle too. 





I cannot lie, there were some casualties along the way. Infertility put a huge crack in my fiance’s and I’s relationship. When I told him I was finally pregnant he totally bailed for about a month. When he finally returned he said he was “overwhelmed” and unable to be present until he “figured it out”. It was devastating to go through this at the same time my grandmother was dying but I kept thinking about my baby on the way and the miracle I was now protecting. After MANY arguments my fiancé said he was “broke” and could not help with anything for the baby but…….”if things changed he would let me know”. Aside from this his final declaration was that he wanted to be in our baby’s life but on his terms and without any financial responsibility. Are you f&@”$ing kidding me??? So, what would you do in this situation? I elected to carry on without him. He felt it best to walk away so he didn’t have to pay a dime for his son. 

I can’t understand it especially when I look at my beautiful baby boy. What kind of piece of crap goes through fifteen months of fertility treatment only to walk out on his fiancé and unborn child when a miracle finally happens?? I am stronger for the infertility fight and am totally focused on being the best mother to my son. Every single day I think about all the incredible moments he is missing with him and I just shake my head in disbelief. I appreciate my precious baby enough for the both of us. I can’t lie, it’s tough, it really is. I envisioned having someone to commiserate with when I’m beyond exhausted and to marvel with over all the breathtaking experiences of having a child. It’s just me and my boy and that’s ok, it has to be. I cannot live with anger forever and I’m trying to figure out as I go how to be the most positive single mom on the planet. Is that impossible? I just want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. He is already loved more than words, truly the love of my life. I cannot wait to see him grow and learn. I can’t wait for every single insignificant but precious moment and every fantastic holiday! I fought like hell for all of this and I’m not going to let one worthless individual dampen the joy I have.

Thank you to all of you who are reading my blog and who loved and supported me through this journey. I couldn’t have done it without you all. I am on a new journey now. God gave me a miracle despite the obstacles that have come along. I hope we all find our miracle in the darkness. Nothing in life worth having comes without hard work but did it really have to be this difficult? But I’m here surviving so it is all ok. 

First Ultrasound Today :-)

Today was the most important day of my entire life! I never thought this day would come and I cannot tell you how much it means to have gotten pregnant after 15 months of infertility and treatments. I honestly feel guilty for being blessed when I know the pain that so many women are still enduring hoping to be a mother. So, although I am continuing my blog and writing about my pregnancy, I feel like my happiness will hurt others and that makes me feel awful. I can remember seeing a million ultrasound photos (at least it felt like a million) and thinking why is that not happening for me?? I was always happy for the person but so sad on the inside because it just reinforced what I so wanted in our lives. Now we have this precious gift and I almost feel something like “survivor’s guilt”.

That being said, today was incredible. I am a first time mom at the old age of 39, will deliver at 39, yeah! This miracle brought me to tears at the second I saw it and the moment I heard that heart beat. It was so strong and beautiful to hear at 156bpm. I can hardly express in words how much I appreciate this gift and blessing. There is just no end to my gratitude.

My mom came with me today because my fiancé had to work. Really? He couldn’t take time for this? He has been totally a disappointment and I’m shocked at his reaction. So he missed it all but he has been saying for weeks that he is so overwhelmed and worried. I’m not going to let his negative thoughts ruin the most special time in my life. I was so happy my mother was there, we are very close. She is really excited now and I know she loved being a part of it!!

So, without further anticipation….I am posting our first ultrasound picture. It’s our baby bean at 7 weeks and he or she is already the love of my life!

Oh what a week!! It’s really true, I’m pregnant!

So it’s really true….I am officially pregnant! My BFP was confirmed this past week by two beta HCG blood tests. My first HCG was 625! My second HCG two days later was 1,067. The nurse at my RE’s office says this is really good. I don’t have any idea what it should be for the first one so I’m going to take her word for it. Even after googling it the ranges are so varied that I can’t really say what it should be. However the nurse did mention that they needed to look to see how many are in there at my first ultrasound so that was shocking.

My progesterone level was good as well so that means I get to continue with the twice daily progesterone vaginal suppositories…yippee! Honestly I’m just glad he said he didn’t want to increase it but I would do anything he suggested if it would keep this little bean safe.

So my first official ultrasound is on June 20th at 2pm. The nurse said that on top of seeing how many, they will make sure everything is implanted correctly, growing well, and we will get to see and hear the heartbeat!!!!

I had no idea we could see the heart beat this early. I just can’t wait. This is my first child at 39 years old and I’m beyond over the moon! It’s been a whirlwind of a week with all kinds of emotions. I wanted to hold off on buying stuff and telling people but it’s been near impossible. Everyone who has walked through this 15 month journey with us has been wondering how the last IUI went, “did it take?” So I just told people. I would rather have a week or months of joy and celebration than sit around worrying that something will go wrong. I can’t do this what if game now. It’s been 15 months of waiting for our miracle and so we have celebrated and enjoyed the week. Friends and family have also celebrated the week with us. I came home the first day after our awesome HCG blood test to this…

Then the fun just continued…gifts from friends and family…

Shopping for books of what to expect…

Friends giving me books to get ready and how to pick a name…

And the best way to announce the pregnancy idea…

This picture is totally from Pinterest but that dog looks just like our dog!! So it seems perfect to have our dog make the announcement on Facebook eventually with the first sonogram.

So….it hasn’t all been roses and paradise. I’ve been sick as a dog. The nausea and constipation has been unreal. It’s made work very exciting at times. I’m SO exhausted that I’m sleeping like I have mono. It’s been a little of a setback in what I think I can get done in a day and what I can physically get done in a day. That was a surprise.

I’ve decided to start scrapbooking again. I had stopped a few years ago because I went to graduate school and there was just no time. Now I think our infertility journey will be forever immortalized in a scrapbook with our miracle ending. I went to the store to buy some stickers and some great papers and left early because I was about to vomit in the aisle. I got some Zofran and that helped me complete that shopping spree 🙂

The weirdest nausea relief so far is….dill pickle chips and ginger ale!! What is up with that?

The saddest part of the week is the odd reaction from my fiancé. He hasn’t exactly been the amazing father to be. He’s kind of been aloof and not really around when I needed him. I don’t know what is going on with him or what he is feeling but certainly he is looking overwhelmed and afraid. I am beyond disappointed and heart broken at his reaction this first week but I’m hoping he will come around. My mom said, “don’t chase him”, lol. Has she met her child? He will be lucky if I don’t kick his butt out and tell him to figure it out or don’t come back. I was never one to chase a man and I’m damn sure not starting now. I already feel this ferocious protective streak for this little bean. I know this precious miracle deserves the best parents and the best life we can give him or her. I’ll be damned if I’ll let anyone hurt my little bean especially the father. I thought he would be celebrating all week but instead he has been hiding all week. I don’t know if this is normal or not but I do know that I’m not going to let him get away with that once this baby is here. I would rather parent by myself than have a father who is in and out of my child’s life. And to think I saw us going to a beach and getting married as soon as we got pregnant. That is SO not happening right now. I think we are both overwhelmed in different ways. I’m going to give him a chance to turn his crap around and be the amazing dad I know he is. I know that infertility all but killed our relationship and that we are still not over that yet. I can see how people get divorced over infertility. It is the worst thing I have ever been through in my life. I think we need time to heal and to find the joy in each other again before heading down the aisle. We love each other and he even last night said “I love you so much and I don’t want you to give up on me.”

I hope I can do anything to help someone struggling with infertility. We may have had our miracle come true but we are only survivors of infertility, not cured and certainly humble to how it feels and how those still struggling are feeling. I still hope and pray for everyone who I have met, follows my blog, or I follow their blog. I wish baby dust to all those fighting for their BFP and the miracle of a child to love. I didn’t know if this would come true for us but now that it has I am praying for a healthy pregnancy and for everyone else to get their BFP too. I’ll never take one second for granted and I’ll never moan about nausea or constipation without remembering the fight of our life that made it possible. It is hard to believe every day, it still seems like a dream that I will wake up from. I thank God for taking the reigns when I truly had lost hope or felt defeated. Less than 10% chance for this BFP cycle….that is God! Don’t ever give up hope, our blessing came when we least expected it. I could not be more full of joy and gratitude!

Is my blog about to change?

I have to say that this weekend has been surreal for me. My blog has been a source of support, a place to vent and grieve, and a safe haven when I felt like we would never find our way out of this infertility hell.

Now that we actually have a BFP and are awaiting blood confirmation, I have a question of what’s next for my blog. If this is real, should I continue to blog? Of course I want to blog through pregnancy and beyond! But more and more I have thought about how much infertility has changed me as a person. I think if there is anything I can do to help others I want to make it happen. I truly want to stay active in some outlet to fight for benefits/insurance for infertility, to support those grieving at every stage of this journey, and to continue to find solidarity and keep humor alive in this infertility community.

I have read a million blogs and forums where people get their BFP and then they vanish. That has made me so sad. I’m happy for them, of course I always hoped I could have a positive outcome too, but it was like losing friends that understood the world of POAS, BFN, and IUI…the list could go on and on.

So my post today is kind of a transitional thought I guess. I don’t want to be that person that vanishes from a blog or forum and just moves on with being a parent like this never happened to me. There is a reason that God gave me this struggle and helped us find our way through the infertility journey of hell. There were many times I was so pissed off and wanted to know why it was us that had to struggle and be infertile. My faith wasn’t always strong and I wasn’t always understanding of what God wanted from me. But even aside from faith my journey has made me a better person, a better friend, and a better professional. I work in the medical field and have used my own struggle to minister to patients who are also struggling with infertility.

I will keep blogging even if this is my first REAL pregnancy and it does end up in a bundle of joy. I hope every single person who is following or reading my blog and my rants knows that I am honored to actually make a difference for anyone and hope that I’m supporting you in your journey. It sounds so sappy but if I could take infertility away from just one person or ease the grief of one infertile person it means something to me, it helps me to feel like this journey wasn’t for nothing. If there is a positive in this journey, let it be that we can all find peace, laughter, and hope in each other’s struggle. I have grieved until I thought I wanted to die if our miracle never came. But from the depths of that hell, this blog kept me going and gave me some way to reach out for help and understanding. Thank you for your support and your sense of community. This blog world is amazing to me, I have told so many people that it has been a lifeline for my sanity during all of this. I am truly inspired and think I will keep blogging no matter what that blood test shows next week.

Update, UPDATE, Update….in shock!

So, I’m still trying to process this day. So just a quick recap…yesterday I decided that I was sick of being on supplemental progesterone and wanted to stop it because of the miserable side effects including nausea, breast pain, dizziness, moodiness, etc. My blog post yesterday was about the most wretched wait and how my period was late because of this stupid progesterone. So without further ado, the most awesome ladies commented to encourage me to take a urine pregnancy test. I thought when the test is negative I can stop this awful progesterone mess, my period will start, the symptoms will all go away, and we can start planning for trying to conceive again next month.

I woke up this morning and took a pregnancy test…I laid it on a basket in the bathroom and went on about my morning routine. When I glanced over at it….it was a BFP!!!!!!!I am totally in an alternate universe.

So I’m 3 days late for AF and 16dpiui and 17 days past taking the HCG trigger shot. I have a new dilemma. I called my RE’s office as soon as they opened because I was totally over the moon and could not wait to tell them my miracle news. They said we had a less than 10% chance of this working this month, and I almost cancelled the cycle because I thought it would be too much money to spend for such low odds. So glad I decided to “do it anyway” but that is another old blog post. I was dying for their office to open. I did not get this same excitement returned. I wasn’t supposed to test until Monday so they said it was too early to do a quantitative HCG blood test. So, they scheduled me for this lab work on Monday with a repeat on Wednesday to ensure that the HCG value is increasing. But they would NOT confirm or deny if this test could be a false positive from the HCG trigger shot!! I was so frustrated so I went to the drug store to buy every pregnancy test they had so I could test again just to see if it would be positive again this afternoon. The pharmacist looked up ovidrel, the trigger shot, and explained how it was excreted, metabolized, and the breakdown of it’s half life then finally ending with, “Honey, I think you are really pregnant!” But I tested again with two more this time…

BFP!!!!!! Totally cannot believe this, it’s getting more and more real.

The day continued and I asked every friend and family member that has any medical training or is a healthcare provider about the HCG trigger shot and how long it lasts in the body. In total, a physician, an Obgyn, the pharmacist, a nurse practitioner and multiple nurses agreed that the trigger shot can last up to 10 days, my doc said 14 days max. The shortest I heard was 3-5 days. But everyone agreed that 17 days for it to still be in my system was unlikely. I’m so hopeful I could just burst with joy. Just now I thought it has been over 16 hours
since I tested this morning, better check one more time….

BFP THIRD TIME, with now a total of 5 tests!. I am totally crazy I know but that’s what infertility does to you, it makes you a total nut ball that doubts even the things that look optimistic in this journey. It’s truly a miracle and I know this has to be confirmed with a blood test next week but I’m feeling really positive despite the negative or super cautious people of today. My own parents said don’t get excited, this could be a false positive. I know my doc’s office has to be totally neutral about this until blood testing is done but the nurse said that at this cycle day it is not likely the trigger shot and that the “2-3 weeks” positive pregnancy test would “be about right from when we did the IUI”. I am praying that this is real and that I’m really going to be a mom for the first time. I thank God for answering our prayers and blessing us with a possible miracle. I just know that this feels right, it just can’t be the trigger shot. But at the end of the day, the nurse said, “you are stuck with the progesterone now for sure”. I’m fine being “stuck” if it means that I get to really be pregnant. Please, please, please let this be real!!! And a huge thank you to all those who responded to my blog post yesterday, you gave me the courage to go ahead and test early. 🙂 Oh, and this was my big birthday month….IUI was my birthday week, I turned 39 years old and this might just be the best birthday gift I will ever get!!

Am I pregnant? Is progesterone a cruel joke?

Ok…this is the longest wait of my life. This is our third IUI but the first with our new RE who is a genius. This is the first IUI and the first month that I have used progesterone supplements. I’m using 200mg promethium vaginally twice daily. This is definitely a new experience to say the least. The first week was totally nothing but around day 4 or 5 on the progesterone I started having nausea, dizziness, and breast tenderness. I have been a crazed lunatic the entire time but that’s become the norm in my household. Three days ago I had one episode of spotting. It was totally different than any other spotting I have had before and only happened once. It was a tiny amount. Then nothing…literally. My period was due the following day, Wednesday, and nothing. No spotting and no period yet.

I am officially two days late BUT I hear that progesterone can keep AF from starting even if you are NOT PREGNANT! This is messing with my head completely. I keep thinking this could be positive and this might be our miracle. Then I think rationally and know he said we had a less than 10% chance of this working and that the progesterone is the devil playing a joke on me. I’m not supposed to test until Monday, that’s four days from now. Honestly I had stopped testing because it was so painful to see another failure, another BFN. So the thought of being forced to test, get a BFN, and then force my period to start by stopping the progesterone is torture. I have the pregnancy symptoms that are totally progesterone side effects. I just wish my period would show up if I’m not pregnant. I don’t want to drag this out. I’m dreading taking a test and then waiting for the so hated AF to come. I’m running to the bathroom constantly to check and I’m miserable with this waiting….and more waiting.

Does progesterone always make your AF not come naturally??? Is there any possibility that this miracle could actually happen? Hoping anyone can help or has had this experience too.

Infertility Funny

I just love this and feel like I can relate…hope you all can to.

I want (In)fertility socks! Great idea!

So….my way of living with infertility FINALLY has a fun and exciting discovery. I came across a blog or forum just recently that was written by a lady having IVF. She mentioned her IVF awesome socks. I HAD to know more. So, I googled this idea and found a lot of swaps and pictures but no real ways to order some funny IUI/IVF socks online. Here are some of these great ideas….

I am totally in search of the perfect pair(s) for my next IUI or IVF cycle. I’m now in the awesome two week wait….7dpiui and feeling like this:

So, I am reaching out to the infertile or once infertile fellow bloggers for ideas of where to get the best ones. Of course hoping to buy 50 pairs just so I get a BFP this IUI cycle and don’t need them but I am actually happy about something. Happy isn’t a word I have used in…..I don’t even remember so please leave me a comment or tell me about your awesome socks. Thank you in advance everyone for your thoughts and resources. I hope lots of us ladies benefit from these lucky socks and get our BFP soon. Baby dust 🙂

Facebook….that’s a wrap!

I am relieved to say that I am officially deactivated on Facebook. I have been thinking about this for a long time and it was just the time. I had an event that ended today on Facebook and so I felt finally free to purge myself of going on there.

I can’t believe how absolutely peaceful it is to know that one source of tremendous “surprise” pain is eliminated from my daily activities. I’ll miss the infertility groups and resolve page but honestly it was killing me. When my friend announced her pregnancy last week And I was just torn up and crying all day. This has continued on and I’m in the worst place of my entire life. I can barely get out if bed right now. But one thing is for sure….I’m guaranteed not to see an ultrasound photo first thing tomorrow morning and that is a huge relief!!

Get married and God will give you a child

Ugh, so thankful for this blog every single day. Today I went for a relaxing massage so I could just forget about our infertility struggle and relax. When I told her that we had an IUI two days ago she wanted to make sure we didn’t do anything to harm the outcome. But then we she asked me about my husband….she was just horrified to learn that I am NOT married. I’m engaged and have been for over a year now. The answer we are waiting for is this I’m told…if you get married you will get pregnant because God would want you to be married first. That’s God’s will! So is there a caveat to this for unwed teen mothers and crack whores?? I just wanted to die when she said that. Honestly I just agreed with her to change the subject. So now I’m a sinner and an infertile. It keeps getting better and better…this struggle has no boundaries, no peace, and no stability. You never know when you are going to be hurt, offended, or devastated. It’s like a haunted house of horrors. I guess I better get to wedding planning so we can have a baby….signing off for now.